Conflict is inevitable. But how we approach it determines whether we build trust—or break it.
When we enter a difficult moment with the intent to win, defend, or deflect, we’re not resolving, we’re confronting. And confrontation, no matter how polished, is a power play. It’s about positioning, not connection. It may feel satisfying in the moment, but it leaves behind fractured relationships and lingering resentment.
Collaboration, on the other hand, begins with a different kind of strength, the kind that seeks to save trust, create understanding, explain confusion, and find mutually agreed-upon solutions. It’s not about avoiding hard truths. It’s about delivering them with dignity.
Confrontation: The Urge to Win
- Driven by ego, fear, or frustration
- Focused on being right, not being understood
- Characterized by statements, defensiveness, and judgment
- Leaves relationships bruised and brittle
Collaboration: The Courage to Connect
- Rooted in empathy, curiosity, and clarity
- Focused on resolution and relationship
- Characterized by listening, open questions, and mutual respect
- Strengthens trust and deepens connection
Listening Is the First Move
Before resolution comes recognition. The first step in any collaborative conflict is to hear the need in the other person. Not just their words, but the worry beneath them. The unmet expectation. The emotional truth.
This kind of listening is active and intentional:
- Listen to learn, not to respond.
- Listen to understand, not to judge.
- Listen for what’s missing, not just what’s said.
Ask to Understand, Not to Accuse
Statements stake a claim. Questions open a door.
When we lead with statements, we risk sounding defensive or dismissive. But when we ask open, curious questions, we invite clarity and connection.
Ask:
- “Can you help me understand what felt off?”
- “What were you hoping would happen?”
- “Is there something I missed that mattered to you?”
Avoid:
❌ “Why would you think that?”
❌ “Don’t you see how that’s wrong?”
The goal is not interrogation—it’s illumination.
The Intent Test
Before you speak, ask yourself:
- Am I trying to be right, or am I trying to be understood?
- Am I protecting my ego, or protecting our connection?
- Am I reacting to win, or responding to heal?